An email conversation which started Tuesday last.
To: Phil H
From: Dan Black
Yo, Pipenstein, [he calls me all manner of things] what happened to this week’s column on CV?
To: Dan Black
From: Phil Hall
I’m really struggling for something to write about; plus, seeing as I pushed so hard (fnar fnar) I figured the sex comix article needed a couple of weeks. I’m just lacking inspiration!
To: Phil H
From: Dan Black
Write an article on the fact there’s nothing controversial actually happening. Is it indicative of a stagnant industry?
To: Dan Black
From: Phil Hall
There’s also the slight problem of my addiction to the US Masters from Augusta. I’ve not missed a tourney for 27 years.
To: Phil H
From: Dan Black
Write how you think Tiger Woods is a mutant. He must be.
To: Dan Black
From: Phil Hall
Have you ever noticed how sports and comics don’t normally go hand in hand? We both like football, so does Martin [Shipp] and ###. But we’re pretty much the minority among all the comics fans we know. The Tiger Woods thing could work, especially if I did it with tongue in cheek.
To: Phil H
From: Dan Black
Comics fans are all cunts, they either wouldn’t get the joke or they’d just skip it because ‘sport’ is involved. Why not tell them just what a sad bunch of un-cosmopolitan wankers they all are and perhaps one of the reasons they don’t interact with normal people is because their conversation starts with Spider-Man and ends with fucking Quantum Leap.
To: Dan Black
From: Phil Hall
True. True.
How many comics fans love booze the way we do? Cider-Man and Beer-Boy that would be us, if it wasn’t for the fact I’m not a boy and I’m riddled with arthritis! J Our superpowers would be falling down drunk, but still remembering where the house is!
To: Phil H
From: Dan Black
Plus, we’re both married. How many can say that?
To: Dan Black
From: Phil Hall
I’m pretty sure there are a lot of married comics fans; even if it is only to give the poor Eastern European or Thai girl the right to stay in this country. I mean ### ####### is married… Mind you, if you looked at his wife and then his teeth, and then her teeth and the monster child they’ve spawned, perhaps the best thing for all comics fans is for a contraceptive to be leeched into the ink in comics, so it can be absorbed through their fingers.
To: Phil H
From: Dan Black
Wouldn’t work. How often have you seen comics fans with clean hands? J
To: Dan Black
From: Phil Hall
I’m sure they have their fare share of OCDs. I used to know this comics fan who, according to his sister, used to touch the tops of each stack of comics he owned, ritually, before going to bed. He would get agitated if he couldn’t do it or if he was away from home.
To: Phil H
From: Dan Black
That’s weird. I pity his future. Personally, I get the willies from people who go to conventions dressed as their favourite heroes or villains. What is that all about? I’d like to think they were closet exhibitionists, but most of them look like they should get some form of life, even if they have to take a mortgage out on it or one that grows behind the toilet.
To: Dan Black
From: Phil Hall
Yeah… Actually, that brings me back on topic. I have about six ¾ finished columns; none of them is right though and one of them is a photomontage of geeks at conventions, with a running commentary by me at the edge. The problem is, while there are some great pictures, I just can’t be particularly funny about it. It seems forced, like watching one of those God-awful play things Steve Marchant put on at conventions, that only seem to appeal to the… um, people who wear superhero costumes in public.
To: Phil H
From: Dan Black
There are a few good comics out at the moment, you could write about them?
To: Dan Black
From: Phil Hall
I haven’t read any new comics [apart from Buffy season 8] since 2003 and besides, even if I could get hold of them, this thing needs to be finished by Sunday. No. I might just put the fourth instalment of The Unearthing Diaries up and maybe a short column telling people that I’m going to be doing something far more interesting than writing a comics column this weekend.
To: Phil H
From: Dan Black
What if any of them find out it is golf you’re watching?
To: Dan Black
From: Phil Hall
I write the Tiger Woods is a mutant article and call them all a bunch of sad bastards who need some culture in their lives even if it is something like football or reading newspapers.
To: Phil H
From: Dan Black
Pip, why don’t you serialise your book whenever you have nothing to write?
To: Dan Black
From: Phil Hall
Are you mad? I push legalities a little with some of the things I say in this column, someone scuzzy we know would be on me like a ton of shit. Besides, I got thinking about Rick Sharer’s six week excursion into his personal comics tastes, and apart from thinking it was a cop out – an easy write – it made me think that I hadn’t seen a definitive list of comicbooks anywhere.
To: Phil H
From: Dan Black
What do you mean by definitive list?
To: Dan Black
From: Phil Hall
You know the ten most important comics in comicbook history, as opposed to the ten favourites, or ten fan favourites. Comics fans and the establishment have differing opinions on what constitutes a groundbreaking or important comic event. If I was writing my personal Top Ten comics events, I would surely opt for books that mean a lot to me, but personal likes are not important; what is important is whether or not the comic put forward warrants its place.
Let me elucidate J Cerebus #1 might be considered a very important comics event, but if you say that Cerebus is, do you include Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which has been far more successful, appeared around the same time and is still, essentially, a piece of shit. Action Comics #1 would be close to the top of the list, as would Detective Comics #27; some could argue that Detective Comics #1 should be in there, but frankly it deserves to be in a ten most important comics list about as much as Human Fly #2. Fantastic Four #1 should be in there, as should Amazing Fantasy #15, but what about X-Men #1 or Fantastic Four #48 [First Silver Surfer]. I personally believe that Green Lantern/Green Arrow issues #85 and #86 should be included in that list, even if it did post-date the Amazing Spider-Man drugs issues; mainly because the latter mentioned was rather twee and the former was really political and was more of a protest speech about how drug users were victims not criminals.
There could be those that argue that things like New Mutants #87 or even X-Men V2 #1, but they probably wouldn’t get into the top 25; whereas some could argue that Superman #75 – the Death issue should be in that top ten, but it actually happened half a dozen times in Ka El’s history; all of them those famous imaginary stories, but aren’t all comics imaginary? I could go on…
To: Phil H
From: Dan Black
Methinks, Pippin, you’ve got your column!
To: Dan Black
From: Phil Hall
Maybe, maybe not. I still have to write it. I have to think about what comics I believe should be in a top ten and you can bet your life that I’ll miss something obvious. Plus, you can also pretty much guarantee that 8, probably 9 would be Marvel or DC comics and that probably wouldn’t be a fair assessment; and you’d have people argue that you couldn’t possibly put ten most important comics in a list in order, for umpteen practical or illogical reasons. For a start, how do you break the list down into 10?
To: Phil H
From: Dan Black
Then why don’t you throw it open to Comics Village readers, ask them to nominate three comics they believe should be included in an all-time important comics top ten list.
****
So, here we are. I’m liable to fall flat on my arse with this, because you lot are notoriously bad at communicating at the best of times; but here goes:
These are the rules – you can nominate 3 comics ONLY. These comics have to be what you believe were the three most important comics of all time.
When considering your choices DO NOT take personal tastes into consideration (I’d have Amazing Adventures #34, but I doubt anyone else would); DO NOT stick with the consensus if you disagree with it. There are two methods of voting in this – either publicly in the comments below, or just click on my email link under my profile and send them to me directly, if you’re concerned about humiliation or disagreements.
DO NOT think that because a comic has sold enormous amounts or was once a hot comic – you have to ask whether your choice had a lasting or permanent effect on the comics industry.
Finally, be honest with yourself and if you have an opinion, make it. This is just a bit of fun, but it also might have some lasting effect.
… Tiger Woods might indeed be a mutant, but apart from golfers, I couldn’t imagine him being a massive hit in a comicbook. That said, there’s probably one or two out there or possibly it’s the new brainchild of Jim Shooter or Stan Lee’s next assault on comics.
Phil Hall